The 2014 NFL Draft Walk Up Music Choices, Rated

By: Roger Cormier

For the first time, all of the top college football recruits invited to New York for the NFL Draft were allowed to choose the music that would score one of the greatest moments of their young lives. Some of them royally screwed up.

1st Overall Pick. Houston Texans – Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina – “The Man” Aloe Blacc

A secretly genius selection – Clowney is telling the Texans that he does not waste time away from his training and playbook studying to finding music that he doesn’t hear during NFL Network commercials. If Jadeveon knew that there were more songs that feature a boastful man with a chip on his shoulder, then he could begin to possibly imagine how vast the world he lives in truly is. It would only lead to thoughts that there was more to this universe than getting yelled at for getting off of a bus wearing headphones and playing a sport that will significantly shorten your life. Houston has a model employee. Pitchfork rating: 8.5

2. St. Louis Rams – Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn – “Happy” Pharrell Williams

If he suffered from anhedonia, or at least wore an Arby’s hat, this song selection would be terrific. Instead Greg Robinson is the most boring top 2 pick of all-time. Just reading his name five times in a row cures insomnia. 0.8

3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida – “Blow Up” J. Cole

Bortles suffers from Asshole Face (clinical term). He apparently is paying for his brother’s college education, so maybe he’s simply a nepotist and sexist. But he’s also a white guy who picked a song with ample servings of the n-word. Turns out, he was even born in Florida, so he is really daring us to judge him by his cover, which as I just mentioned, is a picture of a man who looks like an asshole. 0.2

4. Buffalo Bills – Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson – “Look What You’ve Done” Drake

Because there’s no song called “I Have to Play In Buffalo? Fuck Me Forever.” This song is a tribute by Drake to his mother and grandmother, and Watkins is on record as saying he’s going to pay for a new car for his mom, which should net him even more cash from the fine mother loving folks at Campbell’s. 5.0

5. Oakland Raiders – Khalil Mack, OLB, Buffalo – “Happy” Pharrell Williams

This guy thought for a second that he was going to have to keep living in Buffalo! Damn right he’s happy. 8.1

6. Atlanta Falcons – Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M – “Going the Distance” Bill Conti

Yes, he’s related to all of those other Matthews people in football that are/were linemen. Not hard to believe that Rocky was a family tradition every Christmas, in between decorating the tree and blocking drills.

Jake would have went with “Living in America,” but once while listening to the song he let himself daydream about being a tight end. It’s actually ridiculously sad. 6.8

7. Tampa Bay Buccanners – Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M – “Trophies” Young Money feat. Drake

Young Money and Mike Evans don’t do it for trophies. It’s a good thing Mike Evans is going to Tampa Bay. 4.4

8. Cleveland Browns – Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State – “We Dem Boyz” Wiz Khalifa

Wiz sings that white girls give him “becky,” which I correctly figured out to mean fellatio by remembering the old grade school lesson of reading the rest of the sentence first to figure out what words mean and then confirming it on urbandictionary. For the most part it’s Khalifa complaining that too many women are after him while he just wants to smoke some pot first before doing anything else. Knowing your priorities are important and shows that you know what you want in life. Good sign. 4.20

10. Detroit Lions – Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina – “They Don’t Love You No More” – DJ Khaled

Eric Ebron got engaged hours earlier on top of the Empire State Building. He gets drafted into the National Football League. It is the best day of his life (even though he was picked by Detroit). “They Don’t Love You No More” is the song he chooses to play. 0.0

11. Tennessee Titans – Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan – “Rock City” Kings of Leon

A catchy enough generic rock song that is completely forgettable. Perfect match. 5.0

12. New York Giants – Odell Beckham Jr. , WR, LSU – “The Sky’s The Limit” Lil Wayne

Rap Genius claims: “If you blaze, listen to this song and start doing push-ups really hard, I guarantee you’ll get emotional.” (Sweating is an emotion right?) There are references to A Different World, Gremlins, and maybe M.C. Escher in the first verse, proving Beckham Jr. has appreciation of all things pop culture for a pop culture loving/hating (loving) town. The kid has promise and knows his surroundings. I’m already cringing at the eventual Modell’s puns, but it isn’t his fault. 8.3

14. Chicago Bears – Kyle Fuller, CB, Virginia Tech – “We Made It” – Drake feat. Soulja Boy

This is one of many, many, many songs about reaching a seemingly unattainable goal, but only this one starts with Kenny Powers talking about fixins. It’s enough to ignore the sentence in Fuller’s scouting report that reads: “Shows some stiffness when required to break down and tackle in space.” 6.7

15. Pittsburgh Steelers – Ryan Shazier, LB, Ohio State – “Everythang” Young Jeezy

“I used to have nothin’/ but now I got a whole lot of everythang / and I come through stuntin’/ and now the whole world gon’ know/ my name.” A lot of “Started From the Bottom” type of lyricism in this draft, which just highlights how crazy it must be to go from making nothing, or very little, or even a decent amount, to an astronomical amount of money overnight, after taking most of a lifetime to get there. It also gets old, so here’s a taken out of context sentence from Shazier’s scouting report: “Arrow is pointing up.” 5.8

17. Baltimore Ravens – C.J. Mosley, LB, Alabama – “My Favorite Song” Wiz Khalifa

Some stuff about wannabes in the first verse and your classic haters in the second. No clues on what the song in question is, or if it’s about another song that’s about a different song, like “Tribute” or “I Think I Need A New Heart,” which happen to be much better songs. 4.2

18. New York Jets – Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville – “Dreams & Nightmares” Meek Mill

A more contemplative and stark telling of the rags to riches story, with emphasis on the hard beginnings. Naturally, nobody has heard of Meek Mill. 7.0

20. New Orleans Saints – Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State – “Everythang” Young Jeezy

Come on Brandin. You have no original thoughts about your chances of getting hit by a bike significantly decreasing? Brandin, Brandin, Brandin. 2.6

21. Green Bay Packers – Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Alabama – “Never Would Have Made It” Marvin Sapp

True story: His real name is Ha’Sean. Fake story: They started calling him “Ha Ha” after his polite, clenched teeth responses to everyone insisting that his song be “Happy.” Instead Dix went with a nice gospel song. For that, Packers linebacker Josh Sitton made a Lewinsky joke. 8.3

22. Cleveland Browns – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M – “Draft Day” Drake

I wish that this song was so bad that Johnny Manziel would seriously consider not using it, even though it is explicitly about Johnny Manziel getting drafted. He really had no choice, and any cool points he may himself have accumulated from the track isn’t enough to make us forget the first pitch incident. 9.0

25. San Diego Chargers – Jason Verrett, CB, TCU – “Icy” Gucci Mane

Apparently Gucci Mane and Jeezy have a beef because Jeezy was never paid for his verse, which means that possibly thanks to an accounting error, Verrett is inadvertently starting something with Shazier and Cooks. 7.1

31. Denver Broncos – Bradley Roby, CB, Ohio State – “Believe Me” Lil Wayne feat. Drake

This tune is about rappers not knowing Drake’s potential and Drake agreeing with them and deciding to just relax for a bit. 5.4

32. Minnesota Vikings – Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville – “The World’s Greatest” R. Kelly

It’s a pretty sounding song about thinking you’re better than everybody else, like some special kind of spectacular asshole. Nobody named Teddy can possibly be any good at anything. Succeeding in the American Athletic Conference? Are you sure I didn’t just have a stroke? 3.8

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